Online dating, chapter 15: an eHarmony reject

In my match settings in eHarmony, I’ve selected California, Colorado, Oregon, Texas, and Washington as acceptable match locations. Since I was primarily getting ministers, I opened up my match preference to “Any Religion”, and set it as “Not at all important”, which meant religion shouldn’t be a factor at all. I have no ethnicity preference. Basically, I’m trying to cast the widest net possible, and in five states, there must be a few good men, right?

So I had zero matches on October 23rd?

So I had zero matches on October 23rd? And only three the following day? Sadness.

eHarmony sends me emails about specific men when we’re “highly compatible”.

Okay, cool. I'll check him out.

Okay, cool. I’ll check him out.

I take the bait.

Well then, nevermind.

Well then.

I’m at a loss. At this point my lack of matches, especially ones that are intriguing, can likely only be attributed either to the fact that I’d rather not date a man with kids, or to the fact that I’m an eHarmony Undateable.

Let’s be real. I’d have the same trouble on Or Or Or Or Or All of which are legitimate dating websites you can visit right now if you want. eHarmony seems to appeal to a very specific market, and I’m not necessarily a member of that population.


Again, eHarmony’s design is beautiful, right down to their emails… except the pictures tend to be broken, even if the dudes’ profiles are full of pictures.

However. Google “eharmony stats”. The very top, numero uno spot on page one has a title of “eHarmony Ranks #1 for Most Online Marriages and Marital …”. (Marital what, eHarmony SEO consultant?) I can believe that a lot of people get married after meeting on eHarmony. Friends of mine have.

This then begs the question: what makes me different? Why, as a Christian, am I so wholly dissatisfied with eHarmony and its matches for me? I’d go back through and retake the personality quiz… if it let me. I’d go through and search profiles of available men and contact them… if it let me.

eHarmony asks hard-hitting questions like this one. I didn't actually answer it because really, what are those choices?

I deleted this question because really, what are those choices? This is not part of the infamous personality assessment – these are questions you answer and can compare how your match answered them, too.

On that note, since starting this post, I’ve received four messages from men on OkCupid, three of which I’m actually going to answer. Granted, I’ve had quite a few, uh, questionable messages from different men on OkCupid, but at least I’m having fun with it. At least I don’t feel undateable.

I’m glad other people are falling in love and getting married because of the service, but apparently I’m just not right for eHarmony. Too bad scientific matching and personality tests didn’t tell me to save my money and try something else.


  1. Ha! I relate. I lost count how many times I quit eHarmony, only to sign back up after hearing how so-and-so met their so-and-so via the site. Those success stories kept me coming back, but my experience was always similar to yours above. Either no matches at all, or matched with an unapologetic racist, someone who always smells like garlic and whose last 6 relationships “ended badly”, or someone who listed “Dinosaurs” as one of the things they couldn’t live without.

    1. Your comment cracks me up! The unapologetic racists and the homophobes are out in force, but that seems to be on every site, unfortunately. I just think it’s interesting that eHarmony’s dating advice is basically saying I suck. Thanks for that, Dr. Warren.

  2. Ummm clearly there is something wrong with eHarmony if it makes you feel undateable and advising that maybe it’s something wrong with you. My last go-around for online dating I did If you haven’t heard of it, the premise is “how about we go do…” and the idea is to get offline and actually meet people. I really liked it, no massive questionnaires or endless profiles… a few pics, a few questions, that was it. And cheap. It was much less intimidating to me than eH or Match which was what I needed since I was having a moment of “your relationship ended over a year ago and you really should get back out there” even though I really wanted to make every excuse not to. I went into it telling myself I was going to go out with anyone who asked just to practice dating, as long as they were not over 40 and not totally creepy. I didn’t stick to that 100% (close though) but I most likely would not have gone out with my now-boyfriend if I had not used that approach… there wasn’t anything I didn’t like about his profile, but nothing that stood out that drew me to him. Going into every date with the idea that it was a”practice date” really helped me, because it took the pressure off. And thats what really made me take notice when I went on my first then subsequent dates with my boyfriend… I actually LIKED him even though I tried not to and that had not been in my plans. He is completely not the kind of guy I am usually attracted to… which turns out, is a very good thing. And if he had a more complete profile and I had decided whether or not to go out with him based on what he would say about himself in writing, I can pretty much guarantee I would not have gone out with him. Yet 4 months in, I’m the happiest I’ve been in a relationship, ever. There’s really something to be said for chemistry and connecting with somebody on multiple levels that can’t be determined on “paper”. So I guess the point of this entirely too-long comment is, give those guys on OKCupid a shot. And don’t put up with eH’s BS. And if you get sick of eH and OKC maybe check out HAW 🙂

    1. I’d heard about HAW, but never really thought about trying it. Thanks for the insight!

      I love that you met someone who’s totally outside your norm. The last person I loved was that for me, too, and it’s just shocking when you find yourself falling for someone you never expected. Your pictures with him had me wondering what the story was 🙂 You look so happy and relaxed, and that’s how I want to be with a man, too: comfortable, drama free, and happy. One of my biggest issues is that the majority of men I’m meeting here offline are taken – and there are a lot of fantastic guys here.

      Now that we’re out of our twenties, have you found that a lot of men on dating websites have kids? I may have to loosen my restrictions there a bit, which I don’t know how to feel about (that’s a painful sentence grammatically – sorry).

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