The first email says, “Juicy curves :)”

Do you get your dating advice from Sir Mix-a-Lot? I click the link to say Thanks, but No Thanks. Match lets me send a canned response, and then, once I’ve clicked all the appropriate buttons, says, “We’ve let [redacted] know you’re not interested. Now its time to stop being reactive and start being proactive. With numerous ways to search, you’re as close as one click away from the perfect match for you.”

First of all, you’re missing an apostrophe, Match. Second, calm down. I may be as close as one click away, but I might also be as far away as Mars.

The second Match Mail is quick, with one question and one short statement. No punctuation. I’m tempted to reply with lots of exclamation points. I end up replying with my own statement and question, accompanied by some commas. Zero exclamation points.

This next email is someone’s “VIP Email of the week”. Hey, Match, that sounds stupid. But the guy tells me I have a cute smile and pretty eyes. I need to check out his profile… he’s in Las Vegas? Is that a suburb of Fort Worth? I thought I said I wanted matches within 20 miles of Dallas. His username is a random combination of loWeRCasE and UPPercAsE letters, and this is in his very-short profile: “A women who has a postive additude about life and who is honest . Because I hate liars ….” I can smell the potential for drama from here. I’m just gonna thank him for the compliment, then reject the match.

Match, next to my rejection email text box, has “Tips for writing a great email: Tip #1: Double-check your spelling. For some, poor spelling and poor grammar spell ‘D.E.A.L B.R.E.A.K.E.R.'” For me, personally, it generally spells NO, but thanks, Match.

Next is an email from someone looking for women 18-35. Hmm. He also has a weird, almost Amish beard thing going on. Seems nice enough, but no. As I just learned emailing Las Vagas, I can’t reply to the email and then say no to the match; a reply means Woo I’m Interested! in the Match world. No room for polite declines, I guess.

I really like this next email, but not for love reasons: “i was at 347 in 2006 by oct of 2007 i was 236 by sept of 2008 i was 191 i now hang around 200 so if you put your mind to it you can do it with GODS help we can do or find anything.” What a great, platonic, kind thing to say. If I could email you and say thank you, sir, I would, but Match doesn’t let me do that. So I’m going to look like a jerk and just reject you. Sorry!

The next guy doesn’t want kids. Sorry, guy – you have to be willing to at least consider it. I normally (I have a “normally” when it comes to online dating now. Huh.) send the standard Match rejection email that says, “Thanks for writing to me, but unfortunately, we’re just not a good match. Good luck in your search!” This time, just for a change of pace, I’ll go with, “Thanks for writing to me, but I just met someone and want to see where it goes.”

Just saw that I can write my own rejection emails. Excellent! That would’ve been good to see earlier.

The next two emails are from the same guy. “I absolutely love your profile… I hope we can chat.” My first thought is No – two Match Mails within hours of each other? Creepy. After checking out his profile, I’m just not interested. Bummer. Time to hand-craft this rejection!

Well, crafting my own rejection letter doesn’t seem to cut him from the running in Match’s system. That’s stupid. Back to Match’s terribly-written rejections.

This next email is from a guy who used the word “surmising” in his profile. Hey-o! I’m not sure how I feel about him, but I’m leaning toward a positive reaction. He seems cool. Buuuut, I’m not sure. I’m putting him on hold.

These last three emails, including the Surmising Guy, are fine, but I’m tired of dealing with Match tonight. This is starting to feel like work, and it’s late. I’ll deal with it tomorrow.