Online dating, chapter 3: don’t feed the egos

“Quick tip – I know it seems overwhelming, but your intent is to find someone special, not feed their egos, which is a waste of time.”

What my dear friend Meliana calls “feeding egos”, I’ve always thought of as “not hurting feelings”. When I’ve hurt someone’s feelings, I don’t guilt trip, I guilt faceplant, even if no one’s upset. It’s only been recently that I’ve stopped apologizing to people when they run into me.

Meliana’s right. Yes, it’s kinda harsh to just shut people down without giving them a chance, but if I gave every guy who sent me a message the opportunity to meet me or make a better first impression, I’d be insanely busy. I don’t have time to be busy.

“It was personally very difficult for me when I did it. Yeah it was fun sometimes, but sifting through the meaningless emails was time consuming. And having guys berate you for telling them you’re not interested was absolutely aggravating. Suggestion: Instead of replying to people, do a search and see if one of them contacts you. They should be the first one you respond to. As in sales – Qualify, qualify, qualify.”

I will not be berated. I don’t deserve it, and it makes me feel bad. So after I reject people, I’ve been blocking them. It’s not overkill if it works.

I think Meliana and Match are right – it’s time for me to start going through the profiles of the guys who are emailed to me daily in my “You have XX new matches” emails. After opening these emails, at the top are my “Daily Matches… personally selected just for you!” (their formatting).

“Personally” is kind of the wrong word, isn’t it, if they have computers matching us up? As far as I know, computers aren’t sentient beings. YET.

My Daily Matches tend to catch my eye. In today’s email, I see six potential suitors, and most of them are pretty good looking. One guy in yesterday’s email was quite handsome, although I haven’t read his profile yet to see if he’s a lughead. It’s so disappointing to see a great profile picture, only to realize one of two things:

  1. His profile picture is completely misleading, and he actually looks like a blobfish with teeth.
  2. He could fit in with either
    1. the Kardashians or
    2. Harry and Lloyd

Then there are the guys with profile pictures that I have to screencap and text to friends. This happened yesterday. “Oh good God!” said one friend. “Oh boy,” said another. Imagine Zach Galifianakis in The Hangover with 1980’s plastic-framed aviator eyeglasses. Unsmiling. Possibly wall-eyed.

It has to be a joke. Or his mom made him do it. I refuse to check out his profile, because he’d know I’d looked.

I mean, hey, everyone deserves love. Just not necessarily love from me.

Okay, then: tomorrow, I search and email. Tonight, I block a few more men. Time to qualify, qualify, qualify.

-while watching He’s Just Not That Into You, which is on TV right now. I hated that book.


  1. Just so you know, men have the same issues with online dating. You have no idea how many dates I’ve gone on where I find out that this person isnt who they were portraying themselves online.

    I’m a nice guy. This frustrates me because it wastes my time, but I’m not going to be a huge asshole and bail on this person. They obviously just want someone to talk to for a while. I’ll give that to them, but I wont ever see them again in most cases.

    A few weeks ago I was chatting online for a week with this woman who was really rad. I mean really really rad. We had a nice sushi dinner later in the week and everything went well. That was, until a couple days later when I find out she was completely psycho and controlling. I’d been on one…. ONE… date with her and it was almost as if marriage was next week in her mind.


    1. Oh, I have no doubt men have similar problems – it is my firm belief that there are some insane women out there. If I can’t understand them, and I have (roughly) as much estrogen as they do, what are poor menfolk supposed to do?

      But, I mean, c’mon, Michael. Are you really that surprised that she was planning your future together? Is that weird? …wait. Should I not have asked that one guy what he planned to call our first child (a girl, of course)?

      Any interest in writing a guest post on your experiences? I think it would be great to have a guy’s perspective.

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