Number 24 on my list of activities to complete before my 32nd birthday: chew 31 pieces of gum at the same time and blow a bubble.

The suggestion came from Cairan, and since I was trying to take all my friends’ suggestions, I added it to my list.

Cairan, I really appreciate your friendship. I do. But there were several moments the night I endured this torture that I regretted knowing you. (Not really. But kinda.)

Instruments of torture.
Guantanamo Gum.

Five packs of gum and a thingy of Bubble Tape. No big deal.

I was actually pretty excited, especially since Mikey said he’d join me. I was an idiot, and Mikey was the poor lemming that followed me off the cliff.

One piece in. 30 more? Yeah, right. I decided I would stuff as many as I could and then blow the bubble.

One piece of gum, and my first bubble. Unimpressive, I know.
One piece of gum, and my first bubble.

I was enjoying myself. Mikey was going to match me, piece for piece, and once Mel got home, she would join us.

Misery loves company.

Two pieces of gum. Slightly bigger bubble.
Two pieces of gum, slightly bigger bubble.


Three pieces. My ability to blow a decent bubble was failing because my jaw was already tired.
Three pieces. My ability to blow a decent bubble was failing because my jaw was already tired.

And then…

Four pieces. After this, everything went sour.
Four pieces.

Mikey also had four pieces in his mouth at this point, and Mel had returned home. We forced her to catch up with the Bazooka, and I spit out my wad of gum and started on the Bubble Tape. I thought it was going to be easy.

Oh, idiot.

See the label? It says, "6 feet." SIX FEET.
See the label? It says, “6 feet of fun.” SIX FEET. I’m five foot seven. That’s just weird.

Idiot, idiot, idiot.


Bubble Tape has a thin, powdery coating to keep it from sticking to itself. According to Mel and Mikey, I looked like Tyrone Biggums from Chappelle’s Show after just three feet.

Bubble Tape is a slimy, disgusting mass.

That's all she wrote.
That’s all she wrote.

It was too much.

I gagged.

I was DONE.

Mikey had 10 pieces of Hubba Bubba gum in his mouth and a pained look on his face. Mel conquered the Bazooka and had nine pieces in her mouth.

We did good.
We laughed, but that made us gag, which made us not want to laugh. Mel told me repeatedly not to throw up.

Thanks again, Cairan.

The literal sweat and tears this mass of trash inspired were from pain and suffering.
At least that’s over.